Partying with Artie Lange
July 30, 2007 | 11:28
am
I wound up in the green room just as the show was starting. Artie Lange was sitting in a corner writing material. "Why would an atheist care about global warming? Is that funny or does that not make sense?" He was talking to his assistant Ted and me. He decided that bit needed more work. "I have something coming up in New York; I may have this one figured out by then. It is going to take time to work out the concept." But he also wrote another joke about going to his old coke dealer's daughter's bat mitzvah while in Vegas that he decided to use. We could hear the crowd live and on the speakers in the green room. This was Saturday night. The Joint at the Hard Rock was sold out and the audience was rowdy and drinking. An opening comic whose name I missed wound up in a shouting match with the crowd. At least, I think that is what happened. I could not leave the green room. I had the wrong pass, and, if I left the backstage, there was no way back inside. Security was unbelievable. Even Lange was irritated about how his friends were being treated. As for Jeff Beacher, the headliner of the Hard Rock and promoter of the show, he had barely been able to get the other comics up into the green room past Hard Rock security. This infuriated Beacher so much that his hands were shaking. I wondered if it was pent-up rage from the earlier event at his house. But I decided not to ask.
Instead, I asked Lange if he got nervous before shows.
"A little. Not as bad as I used to. That was what heroin was great for."
"Well you still drink," I said, because Lange has told me about his drinking. He was actually drinking water backstage.
"Drinking isn't as good as heroin," he said.
Ted mentioned that designer Kenneth Cole was in the audience and wanted to meet him. Lange had the brilliant idea to ask Cole to evaluate his beige pants, sneakers and Yankees shirt. But I don't know if that happened. Beacher walked me to a side backstage room so Lange could enjoy a few totally private minutes before the show. That room was where most of Lange's friends were and Lange wandered in to join them before he had to leave to take the stage.
As Lange performed, I was left in the green room with two, I guess, characters from the Stern show, and some other members of Artie Lange's posse. First there was a very nervous and geeky guy named JD. Earlier in the night, I had met a working girl who had, I was told, been procured for him. It was a fact Lange told the audience the moment he took the stage to rousing cheers. The escort had met JD at Nobu and was so embarrassed about the obviousness of the situation, she told me she invented a fake name for her usual fake name.
Then there was John, who I am told is called John the Stutterer on the Stern show. I asked who John was out of concern. John was odd. He kept practicing the same joke over and over for some reason, and his comments seemed so off and weird that I checked with Ted just in case he was some crazy stalker who wound up backstage. Sorry about that. This was a very unusual crew compared to most backstages.
When the show was over tons of people poured in the green room. TMZ arrived to interview Lange, too. The TMZ person was really excited with what he got and rushed off saying I'd see it Monday on TMZ. As for Artie, the legendary and dangerous debaucher and exploiter of every vice in Vegas, I almost don't have a story. Honestly, Artie Lange came off as more of a hard worker than a partyer. It wasn't just the jokes he was writing before he took the stage. But he had amassed two pages of handwritten new material that he was developing since he had arrived in Vegas at 1 AM the day before.
After the show, we quickly moved from the green room to Body English, the Hard Rock's nightclub. But even at Body English, Artie was hardly wild. He looked exhausted. It was after 1 AM and his plan was to go wild until his flight left at 5 AM. Maybe Scores would be next, some around him said. Lange mixed himself a drink. I watched him water it down so heavily it had just a dash of Jack in it, mostly water. Then he ignored that drink and just drank bottled water. The worst thing I saw Artie Lange do in Vegas was smoke a cigarette. Among the entourage at Body English were his neighbors who flew in with him. The man and his wife work in hedge funds and were from Europe originally. "We never get to meet entertainment people. Wall Street is so different." I'll say. To them Artie Lange is the neighbor guy who comes over to hang out and drink orange juice.
Watching beautiful women hit on Artie Lange, by the way, does wonders for the self-esteem. One wafer-thin blond girl with a dress that contained no fabric came to me because I was with Artie. She used this pickup line on me, now burned into my memory forever: "You are so cute, you could be a mini Artie."
So Lange. no matter what he has told me in our interviews, clearly doesn't have to pay for sex in Las Vegas. There was one group of girls in the other booth at Body English who JD was trying to climb over our booth to get at. So Lange, I think to help JD meet the girls, went around the table to where things were happening and the girls shrieked like it was Beatlemania as soon as they saw him. In fact, all night girls kept coming up trying to get to Artie. One ridiculously attractive woman actually told me "Of course, I would (have sex with Artie Lange). But why would he choose me? He could have his pick of any girl here."
I don't think that was quite true. But certainly he would not need to compensate his partner in Las Vegas. On the other hand, Lange might not know that. He pays for everything for everyone with him. He was way too generous. If that is a vice, Lange has a bad problem. I have never dealt with a celebrity who puts so little distance between himself and his fans. He was yelling out his new cell number to people who seemed to have just met him only because it was too loud to talk in the club. But really, Lange looked exhausted and sad. It is obvious he is way too good a guy to ditch his entourage of very wounded souls who depend on him. He even overtipped the waitress at our booth before he took off. And I'd say he left within an hour of arriving at Body English. I can't say for sure. But at around 2 AM Lange somehow vanished. Ted said Lange mentioned something about going to take a shower.
I don't think that was quite true. But certainly he would not need to compensate his partner in Las Vegas. On the other hand, Lange might not know that. He pays for everything for everyone with him. He was way too generous. If that is a vice, Lange has a bad problem. I have never dealt with a celebrity who puts so little distance between himself and his fans. He was yelling out his new cell number to people who seemed to have just met him only because it was too loud to talk in the club. But really, Lange looked exhausted and sad. It is obvious he is way too good a guy to ditch his entourage of very wounded souls who depend on him. He even overtipped the waitress at our booth before he took off. And I'd say he left within an hour of arriving at Body English. I can't say for sure. But at around 2 AM Lange somehow vanished. Ted said Lange mentioned something about going to take a shower.
I went home. Jeff Beacher's party continued as he hooked up with Paris Hilton, and as the two of them were hanging at the Hard Rock, Beacher told me he ran into the now showered Lange leaving the Hard Rock to head to the airport.
In the end, during my time with him Lange didn't gamble, barely drank and snuck off alone to shower after fulfilling every obligation. And then he went home safe. He was very mellow. No one can be that nice. One question for his fans: Why is it that listening to Lange be funny much of the time he is being brutal and rude as hell as a comic, but when it comes to the people around him he seems like he is always sweet as a baby doe no matter the request?
Next time, Jeff and Artie should put together a routine!!!
Posted by: Dani L. | July 30, 2007 at 03:37 PM
It's too bad I couldn't make it to the show after in the Body English. I'd have loved to talk to Artie. Attraction is much more than looks. He's one of the funniest men in the world. I'm so hot for you Artie!
Posted by: Suzy Felton | July 30, 2007 at 04:13 PM
The only thing that would have made this show better is if they were giving away free Camel cigs inside the door... Oh wait THEY WERE!!!!
Posted by: Richard Willams III | July 30, 2007 at 04:17 PM
OMG!!! You guys are the best!!! Loved the show and can't wait to do it again!
Posted by: Tara L. | July 30, 2007 at 04:19 PM
I had the craziest dreams about making a sandwich with Jeff Beacher and Artie Lange the other night... They were the BREAD!
Posted by: Cindy Demouri | July 30, 2007 at 04:31 PM
Artie, you mentioned in your skit you are single? I'll take you anytime ;)
Posted by: Celine_Sizzlin | July 30, 2007 at 04:39 PM
Artie is my main man!!! I was so excited to see him hang out with Beacher! You guys should take on Vegas more often!!!
Posted by: William_Wallace | July 30, 2007 at 04:42 PM
Beacher and Artie livin up Las Vegas? Who could ask for anything more?!
Posted by: James Johnston | July 30, 2007 at 05:16 PM
Why didn't this happen before? Artie and Jeff make the TEAM of the year! Great show! I about died from laughing so much!
Posted by: MattWazHeere | July 30, 2007 at 05:22 PM
what can I say? Both Jeff and Lange are great looking people. The show was out of this world! I can't wait to see the next show at the Madhouse!
Posted by: Queenz | July 30, 2007 at 05:26 PM
I remember when Lange was part of Mad TV...he made me smile more time than I could imagine. To see him live was such a treat. Thank you Jeff Beacher and The Hard Rock for having him here. You guys are so AWESOME!!!!
Posted by: Alisen | July 30, 2007 at 05:33 PM
I would like to know what Kenneth Cole thought about Artie's clothes...
Posted by: Ellen | July 30, 2007 at 05:44 PM
Artie still looks really great! And his jokes are just as hilarious! Awesome show! thanks so much Beacher's!!!
Posted by: Rosa Kay | July 30, 2007 at 05:48 PM
Waaaaaaaaaah! Artie is the maaaaaaaaaaan!!!
Posted by: Steven J. | July 30, 2007 at 05:49 PM
The Howard Stern Show is something everyone should listen to. Artie makes that show totally! It was great to see him at the Joint and around Body English! You looked so chill, bro!
Posted by: Eli | July 30, 2007 at 05:52 PM
Artie totally knew how to work the crowd! What a rush it was to see so many people get into what Artie had to say! And hey! It's Beacher's Madhouse! You can't go wrong with that at all! Jeff knows how to make a Saturday night much more exciting and delicious! Keep it comin, Jeff. And Artie! You look terrific!
Posted by: Keith Anderson | July 30, 2007 at 06:00 PM
I'm so glad Howard Stern's crew is moving around the United States! Artie Lange is such a talented comedian! I was so impressed with him Saturday! Thanks Beacher! You know how to do a great show!
Posted by: Jessie_james | July 30, 2007 at 06:06 PM
Hey Artie, let us know when you get that Atheist/Global Warming joke worked out... I kinda want to hear it! You put on a great show for Jeff Beacher! The Madhouse is so excellent!
Posted by: Tanner | July 30, 2007 at 06:17 PM
Artie knows exactly what to pin point in any situation in life; hollywood, his neighborhood, women, booze, drugs... He makes all these things hilarious! Artie was freakin awesome at the Hard Rock! I hope he comes back to Vegas soon :D
Posted by: Connor | July 30, 2007 at 06:23 PM
All my friends kept telling me how amazing you are... so I came to the show on Saturday. Firstly, that's totally awesome that you brought out Artie Lange to the Joint. He definitely made the night for so many people. Secondly, your Madhouse is a genius idea! Keep up the great work, Jeff. You know where it's at!
Posted by: Neigal | July 30, 2007 at 06:43 PM
ARTIE LANGE RULES ALLLLLL!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Posted by: Ross | July 30, 2007 at 06:44 PM
I pity the fool who messes with Artie Lange and Jeff Beacher!
Posted by: Nikohli | July 30, 2007 at 07:01 PM
Wow. I get the feeling only about a tenth of the people who posted on this blog post read the entire post, and of those ten percent, half posted about Calvin Klein.
Did anyone care to notice the emotion conveyed by the story? It was sad. He seems lonely. Distant. Like a schizophrenic in control of his two halves. I can't imagine the struggle.
Posted by: Derek Lipkin | July 30, 2007 at 08:22 PM
Artie is the reason people listen to my show, he is the one people relate to, and he is the one people love.
I AM GOING TO GIVE HIM A BIG RAISE!!!
I hope my daughters hook up with him.
Posted by: Howard Stern | July 30, 2007 at 08:27 PM
Artie,
I need to borrow some money.
Posted by: Jeff' the drunk' Curro | July 31, 2007 at 09:00 AM