Partying with Artie Lange
July 30, 2007 | 11:28
am
I wound up in the green room just as the show was starting. Artie Lange was sitting in a corner writing material. "Why would an atheist care about global warming? Is that funny or does that not make sense?" He was talking to his assistant Ted and me. He decided that bit needed more work. "I have something coming up in New York; I may have this one figured out by then. It is going to take time to work out the concept." But he also wrote another joke about going to his old coke dealer's daughter's bat mitzvah while in Vegas that he decided to use. We could hear the crowd live and on the speakers in the green room. This was Saturday night. The Joint at the Hard Rock was sold out and the audience was rowdy and drinking. An opening comic whose name I missed wound up in a shouting match with the crowd. At least, I think that is what happened. I could not leave the green room. I had the wrong pass, and, if I left the backstage, there was no way back inside. Security was unbelievable. Even Lange was irritated about how his friends were being treated. As for Jeff Beacher, the headliner of the Hard Rock and promoter of the show, he had barely been able to get the other comics up into the green room past Hard Rock security. This infuriated Beacher so much that his hands were shaking. I wondered if it was pent-up rage from the earlier event at his house. But I decided not to ask.
Instead, I asked Lange if he got nervous before shows.
"A little. Not as bad as I used to. That was what heroin was great for."
"Well you still drink," I said, because Lange has told me about his drinking. He was actually drinking water backstage.
"Drinking isn't as good as heroin," he said.
Ted mentioned that designer Kenneth Cole was in the audience and wanted to meet him. Lange had the brilliant idea to ask Cole to evaluate his beige pants, sneakers and Yankees shirt. But I don't know if that happened. Beacher walked me to a side backstage room so Lange could enjoy a few totally private minutes before the show. That room was where most of Lange's friends were and Lange wandered in to join them before he had to leave to take the stage.
As Lange performed, I was left in the green room with two, I guess, characters from the Stern show, and some other members of Artie Lange's posse. First there was a very nervous and geeky guy named JD. Earlier in the night, I had met a working girl who had, I was told, been procured for him. It was a fact Lange told the audience the moment he took the stage to rousing cheers. The escort had met JD at Nobu and was so embarrassed about the obviousness of the situation, she told me she invented a fake name for her usual fake name.
Then there was John, who I am told is called John the Stutterer on the Stern show. I asked who John was out of concern. John was odd. He kept practicing the same joke over and over for some reason, and his comments seemed so off and weird that I checked with Ted just in case he was some crazy stalker who wound up backstage. Sorry about that. This was a very unusual crew compared to most backstages.
When the show was over tons of people poured in the green room. TMZ arrived to interview Lange, too. The TMZ person was really excited with what he got and rushed off saying I'd see it Monday on TMZ. As for Artie, the legendary and dangerous debaucher and exploiter of every vice in Vegas, I almost don't have a story. Honestly, Artie Lange came off as more of a hard worker than a partyer. It wasn't just the jokes he was writing before he took the stage. But he had amassed two pages of handwritten new material that he was developing since he had arrived in Vegas at 1 AM the day before.
After the show, we quickly moved from the green room to Body English, the Hard Rock's nightclub. But even at Body English, Artie was hardly wild. He looked exhausted. It was after 1 AM and his plan was to go wild until his flight left at 5 AM. Maybe Scores would be next, some around him said. Lange mixed himself a drink. I watched him water it down so heavily it had just a dash of Jack in it, mostly water. Then he ignored that drink and just drank bottled water. The worst thing I saw Artie Lange do in Vegas was smoke a cigarette. Among the entourage at Body English were his neighbors who flew in with him. The man and his wife work in hedge funds and were from Europe originally. "We never get to meet entertainment people. Wall Street is so different." I'll say. To them Artie Lange is the neighbor guy who comes over to hang out and drink orange juice.
Watching beautiful women hit on Artie Lange, by the way, does wonders for the self-esteem. One wafer-thin blond girl with a dress that contained no fabric came to me because I was with Artie. She used this pickup line on me, now burned into my memory forever: "You are so cute, you could be a mini Artie."
So Lange. no matter what he has told me in our interviews, clearly doesn't have to pay for sex in Las Vegas. There was one group of girls in the other booth at Body English who JD was trying to climb over our booth to get at. So Lange, I think to help JD meet the girls, went around the table to where things were happening and the girls shrieked like it was Beatlemania as soon as they saw him. In fact, all night girls kept coming up trying to get to Artie. One ridiculously attractive woman actually told me "Of course, I would (have sex with Artie Lange). But why would he choose me? He could have his pick of any girl here."
I don't think that was quite true. But certainly he would not need to compensate his partner in Las Vegas. On the other hand, Lange might not know that. He pays for everything for everyone with him. He was way too generous. If that is a vice, Lange has a bad problem. I have never dealt with a celebrity who puts so little distance between himself and his fans. He was yelling out his new cell number to people who seemed to have just met him only because it was too loud to talk in the club. But really, Lange looked exhausted and sad. It is obvious he is way too good a guy to ditch his entourage of very wounded souls who depend on him. He even overtipped the waitress at our booth before he took off. And I'd say he left within an hour of arriving at Body English. I can't say for sure. But at around 2 AM Lange somehow vanished. Ted said Lange mentioned something about going to take a shower.
I don't think that was quite true. But certainly he would not need to compensate his partner in Las Vegas. On the other hand, Lange might not know that. He pays for everything for everyone with him. He was way too generous. If that is a vice, Lange has a bad problem. I have never dealt with a celebrity who puts so little distance between himself and his fans. He was yelling out his new cell number to people who seemed to have just met him only because it was too loud to talk in the club. But really, Lange looked exhausted and sad. It is obvious he is way too good a guy to ditch his entourage of very wounded souls who depend on him. He even overtipped the waitress at our booth before he took off. And I'd say he left within an hour of arriving at Body English. I can't say for sure. But at around 2 AM Lange somehow vanished. Ted said Lange mentioned something about going to take a shower.
I went home. Jeff Beacher's party continued as he hooked up with Paris Hilton, and as the two of them were hanging at the Hard Rock, Beacher told me he ran into the now showered Lange leaving the Hard Rock to head to the airport.
In the end, during my time with him Lange didn't gamble, barely drank and snuck off alone to shower after fulfilling every obligation. And then he went home safe. He was very mellow. No one can be that nice. One question for his fans: Why is it that listening to Lange be funny much of the time he is being brutal and rude as hell as a comic, but when it comes to the people around him he seems like he is always sweet as a baby doe no matter the request?
Wow, I had no idea Artie was that tame. It just goes to show- maybe all celebs arent really who they appear to be!
Posted by: Tim | July 30, 2007 at 12:25 PM
What a kickass show! Lange knows exactly how to make the audience pleased!
Posted by: Fyl Loomins | July 30, 2007 at 12:49 PM
Rockin' Show! Artie Lange is the MAN!!!!
Posted by: Matthew McCathy | July 30, 2007 at 12:50 PM
Lange is one brilliant comedian. Loud, and to the point. I was rolling all night!
Posted by: Amber Brown | July 30, 2007 at 12:54 PM
Artie is the reason why I am addicted to The Howard Stern Show. He's off the wall! Sounds like he's a pretty awesome dude after hours! ;)
Posted by: Isa Gian | July 30, 2007 at 01:01 PM
My favorite part of the show was Artie's Mike Tyson bit! Keep em' coming, Lange!!!
Posted by: Allie Loft | July 30, 2007 at 01:09 PM
What a sweet sweet guy. Who'd have thought that he would be so nice after such a crude (hilarious) show!
Posted by: Tammy Dallas | July 30, 2007 at 01:11 PM
Rock on stage and rules off stage. Artie is truely awesome.
Posted by: Vinn Tell | July 30, 2007 at 01:13 PM
Artie definitely turned the Madhouse into one epic night. Come back to Vegas, baby!
Posted by: Allie Loft | July 30, 2007 at 01:14 PM
I was so stoked to see Artie at the Hard Rock this past Saturday! He made my night 1000 times better! WE LOVE YOU ARTIE!
Posted by: Nikki Willis | July 30, 2007 at 01:24 PM
I am totally in love with Kenneth Cole's work. He is such an awesome designer!
Posted by: Shani B. | July 30, 2007 at 01:29 PM
I loved how Artie went up on stage in such a causual attire, unshaved, smoke in hand and let Vegas have it! Awesome show, Lange! You're one of my favorite comedians!
Posted by: Kell Ess. | July 30, 2007 at 01:31 PM
I'm with Artie on so many points he made... Especially F%&# the FCC!!! Keep up the good work Artie.
Posted by: John Savoy | July 30, 2007 at 01:34 PM
The whole Howard Stern crew seems like they are some of the greatest people ever. They're all funny on stage and in the spotlight but they are as real as you and I offstage. Great show, one I won't forget.
Posted by: Danielle Fallon | July 30, 2007 at 01:37 PM
Glad to know there is one celebrity out there who knows how to have a good time and treat his groupies as well. Vegas needs you, Lange!
Posted by: Lee Cee. | July 30, 2007 at 01:39 PM
I can't wait to see Artie Lange in Vegas again soon. One of the funniest guys I've ever seen. I LOVE YOU ARTIE!!
Posted by: Elise Kilmer | July 30, 2007 at 01:41 PM
Artie did suck a great Mike Tyson impersonation I nearly sprayed beer out my nose!! Rapin and killin a tux and a toothbrush!!! HAHAHAHA!! What a rad show!!!
Posted by: George Essenberg | July 30, 2007 at 01:45 PM
It was amazing to see how laid back Artie was after the show. Such a rad dude! Come party in Vegas again!
Posted by: Harvey McMurphy | July 30, 2007 at 01:51 PM
I love how honest Artie is... He brings up great points more people should put to thought. Can't wait to hear your new stuff, Artie!
Posted by: Amz Z | July 30, 2007 at 01:52 PM
It's really great how Artie and the whole Howard Stern crew give each other a hard time and stuff but I think it's all in fun and everyone has a really good time. I'd love to work for that bunch.
Posted by: Lisa Collins | July 30, 2007 at 02:08 PM
Good ole' Artie! What a way to spend a Saturday night at the Hard Rock!!!!
Posted by: Gage R. | July 30, 2007 at 02:20 PM
Artie is the greatest thing ever to happen to Stern show - east coast, blue collar, self-deprecating humor at its best.
Posted by: Bobby P | July 30, 2007 at 02:46 PM
Jeff Beacher puts on a better show than anyone else in Vegas. I've been to a lot of the shows in town but this is one of the best.
Posted by: William Findell | July 30, 2007 at 02:49 PM
I don't blame Jeff for being pissed off at the security. I had tickets and could barely get in. Hopefully they will realize that it's comedy not national security. Well put on show though Beacher. I look foward to the next one.
Posted by: Jim W | July 30, 2007 at 02:53 PM
Jeff, you complete Las Vegas greatly. Artie was one of the best choices for the Madhouse! I can't wait to see the next show!!!
Posted by: Jon H | July 30, 2007 at 03:16 PM